I have a day off today and boy, I could not wait to get out of Warragul that I drove home after my shift finished at 1.30am. Shed more tears in the car and clenched my jaws. I keep alternating between "Why on earth did I pick this profession" and "You know this year was always going to be the worst in your life".
The problem with me is I like to dwell. That is why since working as a doctor, my sleep is greatly disturbed. I can lie awake at night thinking about anything I did during the work time that was wrong or could've been wrong. Thinking about what ifs and praying that no-one dies because of me or I'd get sued & thus ending my career due to something minor that I had forgotten to do.
I do think I do a good job as a doctor. I try and do my work thoroughly and cover all bases. Yes I do make mistakes because I am inexperienced. I don't mind being wrong or unsuccessful. I enjoy the diagnostic side of medicine and patient contact is surprisingly quite tolerable too. Especially if the patients are nice and sensible.
But honestly the hospital environment is grating and stressful. So many protocols and different ways to do things. Too many people to please or displease. Abuse, rudeness and backbiting. No one congratulates you if you made a good call. But someone is always there to criticise when you make one small mistake. Fair enough; it involves people's lives. But it takes a toll on your morale.
I do think that if I had a 2nd chance, I wouldn't pick this profession; nor do I recommend it.
3 comments:
dear, at any point in life, yes, everyone dwells. same with me.
when the divorce occurs, what i did was non-stop thinking, what if i do this instead of this. and i was non stop crying. i woke up at night, performed solat and was unable to sleep.
juga bila stress with work etc etc. and then, what if i chose the other person instead of my ex? tak habis-habis.
tapi belajar untuk yakin dengan Allah, then you'll find peace.
p/s haven't started guild yet. tengah sedih sebab amalan ramadhan sikit sangat. thank God, Ramadhan is for a month! will try my best
kak aini- i dwell every night..that's a PROBLEM. hehehe. even if I forgot to write the time properly on the patient notes i dwell on that. i think what if the notes are needed in court and i didn't write the time...then dapat catastrophic thinking. takleh tidur.
takpe la kak, do your best. at some point you'll catch up with the rest. it's just better to do it with the others because boleh discuss/share things before it gets stale hehe. inshaAllah soon.
i guess the ability to forget and shut out work when ur at home can be a blessing in disguise.
yep, no one remembers when u did a good call but ppl will always remind u of your bad ones.
byk kali jugak i have nightmares or wake up in the middle of the night wondering if theres something that i forgot to do or did wrongly.
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