Lots of my friends are expecting or have delivered their first born. They remind me of myself when it was my turn nearly 4 years ago.
I was pretty idealistic. I had concrete ideas in my head about how my baby will be cared for and raised. I looked at how others raise their kids and have an opinion whether it is the best way or not. I read all sorts of material, articles from so-called children experts about what is the best parenting method. I made pacts with myself and hubby to do this and that and not do this and that.
Unfortunately ideals are just as they are called. Idealistic. Reality is another matter. It's hard to know how our ideals will turn out or even if they are suitable. Once we have the experience we might change our opinions. Our child might have a different temperament, different developmental rate, different interests, different degrees of tantrum and attention-seeking behaviour.
I used to be quite rigid and judgemental when I was a very new parent.
I read so many books of nutrition that I'm pretty sure I could beat a qualified nutritionist. I was certain I wanted to be strict about what Layth ate since he was a baby since both hubby & I have history of atopy (eczema, asthma, rhinitis). Unfortunately that ideal did not come to fruition. The first time we went back to Malaysia, relatives (and my MIL) kept feeding Layth traditional Malay kuihs. At the beginning I wanted to keep to my nutrition code: no sugar, no salt until 1 year old. After a while I realised that just to keep the peace and avoid any kecik hati, I'd have to relax the code.
And as Layth got bigger, he turned out to be a fussy eater. So the nutrition code goes out the window. Anything that he wants to eat, I let him eat as long as he eats something! It's not to say I no longer care about the 5 food groups; it's just I am not too strict about it. He can have his cola, chocolates and crisps (within reason).
The only thing I was strict about was breastfeeding. Thanks to Mak who made me stick with it from the beginning even with lots of tears at first hehe.
The other ideal I had was no TV. So much for that!
I came to found that TV itself (with the stupid ads) is not a good thing but the children's shows here are pretty good. None of the Ben 10 stuff for Layth. Nothing that has fighting in it. He once watched a fighting scene and after that started to hit me. None of that kind of show after that!
DVD is good educational resource if used appropriately. The 'experts' say children don't learn much from TV/DVD but I beg to differ. I think Layth has picked up a lot of vocabulary and literacy/numeracy concepts from DVD. And if we as parents talk to them about what they watch, the concepts are further drilled in. Besides, those shows have much more resources than us to better teach them about some things. Like Sesame st and the Wiggles... kalau nak harap we spend that much time and effort I think it's a pretty high expectation to have on oneself! These shows were developed by early childhood educators anyway.
Another ideal that I changed was my own style of parenting. I wanted to be good cop in the bad cop good cop of parenting. I didn't want to be unloved or have my children run away from me. Nevertheless, I have resigned myself to be the bad cop of discipline. I am garang like my own mother and late grandfather. And I found that I am loved even though I am garang. Marah tu tanda sayang, orang kata. Heheheh.
Now I have gotten over my ideals and have embraced reality. I am sometimes still judgemental but not so much. I'm sure everyone has opinions about the best parenting method. But I know that everyone's life and children are different so we can't compare ourselves to others or vice versa. As long as we implement whatever we believe is the best way and works the best for our family life, then this is good enough.
3 comments:
I suppose I am very idealistic (like most first time parents) too. and i probably still am on certain issue. A saki baki of a control freak that i am. cuma many things diluted after the 2nd and third child.
about TV, i notice dulu when they watch cartoon network, their language became not so nice. some cartoons sungguh tak sesuai lah sekarang ni. what a big influence on children. you know after dah 3 ni, they spend time playing with each other, they forgot about cartoon altogether. but err they still watch stuff on youtube. and there is the anime thingy they watch. i sometime sit with them and discuss. because of too many elements of shirk in there.
and i called them to watch documentaries and movies too. we can have discussions sampai kena suruh senyaplah sebab i tak dengar tv. :P
i know parents who allows no tv and no internet at all. even told off the teacher yg kasi assignment through internet. some turn out good but when i talked to the kids i am still surprise to see elements of
eg. the boys to pretend smoking using the pencil and berlakun cool
and the rudeness of some of the children.
I risau betul when so much strictness at home, kat luar jadi jakun tak pernah tengok benda. And I have seen this too.
i think we need to be involved with them and talk and discuss. May Allah make it easy for us.
eh i ni cerita kisah bebudak yg dah besar ek?
laughing at part garang pun masih di sayangi.
i suppose it gets harder when they are bigger in the case of TV nih. like at Layth's age, most of the shows are educational. but can't expect a 7 year old to still watch sesame st.
cartoon network and nickelodeon memang awal2 dah banned. tak minat la.. dah la kartunnya ganas and some takde pengajaran pun.
it's ok to have certain rules about tv but my point was i was too idealistic sampai nak ban TV sama sekali. rasanya lagi banyak benefit kasi tengok tv with certain conditions. it is not all bad. same with internet.
i bnyk jumpe org yg deprived sejak kecik and when they leave home/school, jadi jakun and want to try the thing that was forbidden to them.
same goes with music, chatting and socialising.
maybe the lesson here is we can have our ideals but be prepared to be flexible enough to change them when the circumstances need them to be changed.
no comment... since i'm yet to have a child.
but i agree with your point about ideal vs real. and it's hard to get all exactly to our plan... but we can try...
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